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Today marks the 27th anniversary of an accident that could have taken my life.  I have been reluctant to talk about this openly outside of my small personal circle. I never quite knew how to explain it to others in a way that would make it useful for them or even why they would need or care to know.  As I continue to process it on all levels and as I am moving towards wanting to work with others who have their own stories to process, it feels like now is the time to start my sharing. 

I have been reading books and listening to stories (on Oprah Masterclass) recently that have been motivating me to process my own story.  These stories have exposed me to other people’s challenges and how they have been able to grow from their own difficult experiences.  When I hear them, I realize that it is time to share some of my  experiences and see how my own unique challenges have helped to shape me to become the person I now am.

Over the past 27 years I have had two near death experiences which were pretty intense and changed me physically and emotionally.  One took place when I was 29 and the other was when I was 42 .  They taught me a lot about myself and created physical and emotional  challenges for me which I have been working through ever since.

The first one (on this day 27 years ago ) occurred when I was 29.  I was at home in the middle of the night and a man who was the ex boyfriend of my roommate at the time broke into our house.  He wanted to confront her and do who  knows what else to her. Unfortunately I was stuck in the middle of their situation.  The very scary night ended with me jumping out of a window and fracturing my ankle and lower back.  This incident required a lengthy hospital stay and a year of rehabilitation to enable me to regain a full recovery.  I continue to live with physical limitations due to the injuries sustained and have utilized a variety of healing modalities to help to recover and to release the trauma that was sustained.  

The story of the incident is much more detailed and perhaps another time I will share more of the details, but all that needs to be said at this time is I was made to feel like I was a bad person for being myself.  Bad for being a strong Jewish woman, bad for being home instead of out that night and bad for trying to stand up to this evil person that broke into my house hoping to do harm to me and to my roommate.  I eventually prevailed,  I rehabilitated back to a new normal state and found my footing in life.  I discovered new things that I had not previously been interested in and made a course correction to life as I knew it.  I discovered my inner and spiritual life by studying with Yogi Amrit Desai and getting deeper into my own spiritual beliefs.  I continue to grow in this manner and have been wandering around through a variety of practices but ultimately I believe as Swami Satchidananda says, “ Many Paths, One Truth”.  This year as I continue to practice yoga and meditation and listen to and sing kirtan, I am reading the entire Bible, New and Old Testament combined in  The One Year Bible, which has a daily reading of OT, NT, a Psalm and a Proverb.  

Today’s reading was very appropriate for what the day symbolizes for me each year.  Every year on 8/3, I go to bed hoping that I will wake up uneventfully as I have for 55 out of the 56 years I have been around.  I wake up on 8/4 grateful for the blessing of being alive and well and happy for the life I am living and the choices I am making.  

This was included in my reading for today:

 

Psalm 27: 1-6

The Lord is my light and my salvation-

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life-

of whom shall I be afraid?

When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh,

when my enemies and my foes attack me,

they will stumble and fall.

Though an army besiege me,

my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

even then will I be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord,

this is what I seek;

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord

All the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.

For in the day of trouble 

he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle

and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me;

at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;

I will sing and make music to the Lord.

 

I will say that I definitely don’t have all things figured out, about anything.    What I do know is that I am grateful to be alive;  I know that there is a bigger purpose for the trials that I have been through.  I know that the Lord has my back, my enemies may attack me and they will stumble and fall.  I will not be afraid because the Lord has been there to protect and shelter me and keep me safe in his dwelling, even when I was unaware that I was there.  I have always believed that there are angels watching over me, keeping me safe.  I know that I am a blessed and loved child of God.  I will continue to do all that I can to help others to feel safe and loved and accepted for who they are.  I will strive to continue to find my way in the world and do the work that I was meant to do.  I will sing and make music to the Lord because I was meant to do that also. 

Happy Re-Birthday to me!

Today marks the 8th week from my last day of work and the beginning of staying at home.  It is interesting to see how the time has just flown by and how my daily routine has changed since it all started. 

Initially there was a lot of anxiety about not working but also relief from the fear of who I might come into contact with at work.  I am still a little anxious when we go out to do the weekly errands that need to be done, but much less fearful due to the fact that we have a routine in terms of sanitizing our hands, clothes, shoes and packages. 

I am enjoying the daily routines: morning time and things to do around the house, afternoon lunch with Dan, breaking off during the day for schoolwork or house chores and meditation, chanting or yoga.  Later in the evening, happy hour and some Scrabble outside (now that the weather is nice), dinner and a little television time.  There is a flow and rhythm to the days that is predictable, not stressful and really lovely. 

I understand that this will not be a permanent condition and yet I don’t know when it will end.  I am being with the present moment and just fully enjoying it.  My emotional and mental states have some ups and downs depending on whether I watch the news or if I think about the past or the future. There certainly is uncertainty about returning to work, how long till that happens,  will unemployment insurance continue for long enough to help us through this pandemic, but I try not to focus on those things because they aren’t now and I have no control over any of those things.  My meditation and spiritual practices help me to stay centered and grounded and focus on the here and now, which is all there is.  

Last weekend I took an online gentle chair yoga weekend class through Yogaville Ashram in Virginia, which was really fantastic.  It reminded me as all of my yoga practices do about the importance of relaxation for healing the body and how connected the breath and movement are in getting prana (vital life force) to move through us. 

Many people have the misconception that they can’t do yoga which isn’t true.  There are practices for everyone, young or old, weak or strong, flexible or tight, sedentary or active.  Finding a practice that fits you and your current situation is so easy, especially now that there are classes online from anywhere!  This class was so great because it was designed to be gentle, which means that pretty much anyone can do it, even my 84 year old mother who is totally sedentary.  It was great because the teacher made the asanas so accessible, easily done in 5 minutes just to give the body a break from all the passive sitting that many of us are doing right now. 

She led us, after the asanas,  in a number of very easily accessible guided relaxations and meditations that connect one with the breath and the body.  From the perspective of simplicity, it couldn’t have been easier, and also,  I found it very effective in getting my prana moving and allowing my body to enter a state of self healing, which is the place we are trying to get to when doing yoga practice.  In my humble opinion, while the asanas (active yoga postures) are important and each have specific benefits, the place we are trying to access is the place of No Mind, where the mind is still and the Wisdom of the Body/ Mind/ Soul can do its job to heal the body.  Prana knows what we need, it is our job to move the body, let the prana get released during the process, and just relax in savasana and let the magic happen.

So my days continue to be filled with: either learning how to be a better teacher and healer or as a practitioner of these healing arts.  I have been trying to understand the bigger picture of what we are going through globally, as a nation and individually, which are many layers to consider.

 It feels funny to write this and say this but it needs to come out.   I feel like my role right now is to help to bring light and higher vibration to the planet at a time when so many people are suffering, dying and struggling.  I have been using all the resources I have studied over the past 25 or so years to help to create peace in  myself and to bring peace to the world.  I have been participating in intentional communities that  bring peaceful vibrations through global group chanting to uplift the planet.  To be part of the solution is better than being part of the problem, and that has been my choice on how I am spending my time lately.  Some days are better than others and occasionally I fly off the handle and let my “crazy mind” take over.  It doesn’t take long for me to realize what is going on and know that I need to do my practice.  I feel like having a regular daily spiritual practice is like anything else that needs to be done daily; when it hasn’t been completed, you just don’t feel right and things just feel off. The body and mind need rest from the work of life, even when the work doesn’t feel hard or stressful.  They just need to go to timeout, to take a break and the reward is amazing.  The way one feels afterwards is totally worth every minute of the discipline of the practice.  

So the lesson for the day is:  

Make time each day to stretch, breathe and relax consciously.  It doesn’t have to take a long time,  it should be enjoyable and feel good.  You and your body are worth it and you will feel better for having taken a break.    Once you start doing this daily, you won’t want to stop. 

I, along with everyone else on the planet, am dealing with how this pandemic affects me personally.  Each one of us has different coping styles and different ways of handling things from one day to the next, depending on what is going on in our lives.  I find it interesting to observe my personality at work due to my yoga training, self study and self reflective nature.   I have been performing some type of daily meditation practice, such as Yoga Nidra (guided meditation), chanting or yoga for over 25 years, which I  find useful to weather emotional storms. 

However, this week things finally got to me when I got the news that I might not be able to finish the final massage class I need to be able to sit for my licensing and state board exams.  I let myself vent a little about my dissatisfaction of how things are going, my feelings about how this crisis has been handled by our leader and the uncertainty I am feeling because of the unknown nature of how long it might take for things to regain some sense of normal.  Now to be clear, I have had feelings about this for some time now and I have been handling the isolation quite well, but I was anticipating that there will be an ending in sight and we should be able to return to some sense of a new normal.  I have been fine with the break from things, I have been  enjoying time to do what I want when I want, I am happy cooking my meals at home and being with my husband and our 4 cats, but…. I was expecting to someday get back to school and finish up my degree and I was expecting that to happen before the fall!

It was the expectation, that things were going to be different than they now are, that was making me unhappy, not the actual present moment. Being in the present and realizing there is nothing we can do to make it different or better is actually all that we have.  Thinking about how we could have done things different in the past or worrying about what the future holds and how things will look then does not help to make THIS moment any different.  It just takes us out of the present situation and reality.  Our body is made up of energy (along with a lot of other concrete materials) and we have a choice to either conserve and revitalize our energy or to waste it.  We have a choice over how we utilize our prana (life force); we can either increase it or we can deplete it.  Always, but especially in these times where the health of our immune systems is so critical, the decision to conserve and revitalize our life force is the correct choice.  Our habits, the food we eat, the thoughts we think, the company we keep, whether we exercise or we don’t, the practice of having a regular meditation and relaxation practice, are all vitally important.

Another very important point is that we need to let ourselves feel and express the feelings we have in a safe way.  This means to let ourselves vent in a way that doesn’t hurt others, so that we feel our feelings without “stuffing them down” which is not a good thing.  Energy needs to move through us so it does not get trapped in the body.   To go back to the earlier example of this would be,  I was very frustrated by my situation and could have let myself just keep quiet about it and not express my frustration  or I could have been ruminating over it and watching a lot of the news that would scare me and make me fearful that things will never change.  Either action would have kept that energy trapped in my body and actually get my mind to project further into the future and create elaborate scenarios (which I am very good at doing), which destroys even more prana. 

Try this instead!

 Focus on the physical sensation in your body that the thoughts are creating, and then direct your attention to your breath.  Direct the  breath to the place you feel the physical sensation and stay there with your attention.  Remain with the physical sensations and the breath until you notice something changing.  This will probably take several minutes to a half hour.  You need to stay present with the sensations and allow them to change.  Staying focused and centered with attention on the breath will ALWAYS create a change in how you feel.  It is okay if the feeling is not gone, but it will most certainly become lighter and different.  It is important not to TRY to make anything change or to make things be different but the result will certainly be a shift in the energy.

 

Till next time

Each day in my new routine is different:  some days are filled with home chores and tasks related to school and studying, but every day is spent doing some form of meditation and spiritual practice.  I had written down my goals for 2020, which included doing some form of exercise daily, doing a daily meditation practice and playing music and/ or singing daily.  Since the lockdown, the only thing I have not gotten to on a daily basis yet is playing music. I have been chanting almost daily, which is actually a spiritual practice, and it makes me feel so whole and uplifted. Each day, Deva Premal & Miten  go live on Facebook and chant the Gayatri Mantra, which has been such a great addition to my daily routine right in the middle of the day.  

Before this lockdown happened, I had been having such a hard time before getting to all the things that I wanted to get to around my home, between projects and chores, and it was because of a lack of time.  Now with all the time I could possibly want, I am still finding it hard to get to everything, since there is so much I want to accomplish. Almost every day, we cook a fresh meal for breakfast and dinner, so a few hours each day is spent with meal preparation.  This is such an important task now and always, as fresh, nutritious food prepared with love, is so healing to the body and mind.  Given the long list of “to do’s”,  I am remembering  to take things in stride, realize there is only so much time in a day and know that I cannot possibly get the list completed. The reality is that I would rather be relaxed and not stressed about what is or isn’t  getting done and be gentle with myself over the expectations of “what should or should not be happening”.   The pursuit of perfection is one that could drive me crazy and is absolutely pointless.  

I had a realization in yoga nidra  today, about my mind having expectations and being very busy with “deciding what is ok and what is not ok and that things ought to be different than they actually are”, that I was able to see that I am not ” being in the present moment”. I mentally stepped back from the reality that my room was colder than I anticipated and I was feeling cold.  I realized that it was ok that my feet were cold  and that I didn’t need to change anything to make this moment better. When I was able to accept this, I was able to get deeper into my experience and transcend my mind.  It is very interesting to be able to observe my mind’s activity and to see how it keeps me from being present. Presence is the ability for your body, mind and spirit to be in the same place. This is a skill that needs to be exercised regularly as our minds are overactive and keep us from truly “being here now.”    In life, there are always opportunities for us to experience this, but we often just don’t. Musicians, athletes and artists are often in this place when they are creating or performing, and this is called flow or peak experience. Our practice in everything we do can either help us to be centered and present and in the state of flow or its opposite, scattered and absent.  The law of facilitation says that what we practice we strengthen and the neural pathways in our brains get stronger and more deeply developed.

So the question is:  What do we want to strengthen?

Peace and ease and being in the present moment or it’s opposite, unhappiness and living in the past or in the future?

I have been working on creating  neural pathways to aid in my personal growth consciously for over 6 years since I took my Yoga Nidra Facilitator Training, and continue to practice these skills regularly.  I understand it from a scientific and intellectual place but realize the practice is so necessary, as the mind is tricky and keeps trying to keep me stuck and distracted. Every day that I recognize this and point it out to myself is another day I get closer to being awake and aware.  Choose freedom and stop being a slave to the mind which wants to keep you living in the past or dreaming about the future.  The mind when used consciously is a powerful machine and when used unconsciously can keep you a prisoner.  Choose being awake and aware and living in the NOW!

 

I am sharing a personal story today to help illuminate a universal experience and the importance of the practice of Self Study.   During a meditation practice today, I got a glimpse of the shadow side of fear that continues to live inside me without my awareness.  I believe we all experience fear on some level and choose to avoid facing it. We may not even be aware of our aversion to fear. During the Pandemic, I had been feeling like I was dealing with it as well as could be expected. I had created daily rituals to keep me grounded and connected to my spiritual side in this tremendously unnatural time. 

My day had been unusually busy trying to get things accomplished around the house, as I had noticed all the dirt and dust that had been accumulating, so my husband and I set out to tackle it. Things took longer than expected and I was rushing to a virtual Yoga Nidra group with my dear friend and teacher, Renu. We worked hard up until the minute I needed to get settled down.. At the beginning of the session, she asked us to bring up things which have been challenges for us, and I felt like things had been ok for me.  Others shared about their frustrations with life and fears of getting sick while being in the workplace. I felt like I had avoided that by choosing to stop working several weeks ago until things settled down here in Maryland. During the meditation, I did notice my mind getting much more active than usual and I started to notice physical aches and pains in my bad ankle and I had a hard time being present. I tried using all the tools I have learned: coming back to my body, feeling the sensations without avoiding them, coming back to what my teacher was saying, and listening with my full attention.  I made it through the experience and just chalked it up to my mind being a little more busy than normal because of having rushed to get there. I didn’t get too worked up over it. 

I returned to doing some more tasks on the computer and realized I wanted to try another friend’s meditation technique on releasing fear and anxiety before settling into my chanting routine.  I turned it on and settled in as I listened to her description of the exercise, we would be getting in touch with the specific fears that we are experiencing due to the Coronavirus. So here is the part that was surprising: if you had asked me if I have any fears over this, intellectually I would have said that” I am taking good care of myself and doing the whole social distancing thing and am fairly safe”. But, I followed her technique and asked myself what I am really fearful of, and waited… So what came to me is that I really am afraid that I or my family could get really sick.  She asked us to feel this in our body and I couldn’t identify any real place in my body where I felt this. She was probing and getting us to feel something, but still I felt nothing.

During the practice she said that maybe we are feeling numb to this and it hit me like a ton of bricks that my default coping mechanism as a trauma survivor is numbness.  I realized that I actually do have fear but that I have had a black hole of sensation when it comes to fear. Amrit Yoga practices have been good for me, as a trauma survivor, because they focus on feeling the physical sensations in the body during the practice and reducing the mind chatter. I realize now that, as a coping strategy since my trauma, I have compartmentalized bodily sensations, feeling them only when and where I think they are appropriate and safe.  I suspect other trauma survivors and most people in general do this as well. This entire lesson came as a total surprise to me. As I reflected back on the entire day,  I realized that the lady who expressed her fear of getting sick must have triggered my unconscious coping mechanism, getting my mind involved, which kept me from settling down into the safe space I normally access during Yoga Nidra. I am not sure that if I had not done the second meditation that I would have put these pieces together.

The other technique I worked on with the 2nd teacher was about accessing our shadow side but using very similar techniques of feeling the sensations present in our body during the fearful thoughts  and anchoring to the breath at the same time. She beautifully described it as “realizing the shadows in the room aren’t scary when we turn the lights on and realize there really aren’t any monsters in the room”.  Facing our greatest fears with consciousness can help us to get over them. It is not a practice to be done one time, but often, as we need to retrain our mind and our body about how to reprogram our nervous system and mind harmoniously.  

So my message for the day is: continue the practice of things that make you feel good so you can get through this situation as peacefully as possible, but know that you may also have real fears over what is happening, AND that it is important not to sweep the little monsters under the rug. Shine the light of awareness on those fears and confront them using breath and the feeling sensations in your body. Work with a good meditation teacher who can guide you safely as you tread these uncertain waters, especially if you have trauma in your past, as having the guidance of a skilled professional is critical.

A simple technique to try when you feel stressed is slow deep breathing.  It sounds too simple to actually do anything, right?  No, it really works and here’s how.  When we get stressed, our body gets tense and when that happens our body goes into fight or flight mode (our bodies response is Autonomic nervous system activation).  The heart rate increases, our breathing gets faster, digestion decreases, our pupils constrict and we become anxious.  If this were just a short term thing and we returned back to a relaxed state, it would be ok, but when we are living that way for long periods of time, it can wreak havoc on our body systems and make us feel terrible.  There is a connection between the body and mind and that is our breath.  When we are anxious the breathing is rapid conversely when we are calm the breathing is slow and controlled.  So to bridge the connection between the body and the mind, use the breath to slow them both down.  If we focus on our breathing and use simple techniques, then we can actually slow the mind down and relax the body as well.  Our body gets its other response system, called the Relaxation response or the Parasympathetic nervous system going and we feel the calming effects.  This is the system we think of as “rest and digest” and the name pretty much tells us what it is doing.  When it is active we feel relaxed,  our digestion increases and our pupils dilate  it is the opposite to the “fight or flight” system.   

So here’s a quick exercise to try this out:

Sit in a relaxed position where you won’t be disturbed for 5 or more minutes and close your eyes.  Bring all of your attention to your breath and see what it is doing without trying to make any changes to it.  After several repetitions, try to make your inhaling breath come through your nose (only if you can), and focus your attention to your belly and try to imagine that you could make it expand like a balloon with your inhalation.  On your exhaling breath,  imagine you are going to blow a candle out with your mouth slowly. and you will notice that your belly returns to normal.  If you notice your mind and thoughts coming in, bring your attention back to your breathing.   Repeat this for the 5 minutes trying  your best to keep your full attention on your breathing.  

After doing this exercise, notice how your mind and body feel in this present moment.  It is a quick way to bring yourself back into your body and out of your scattered mind.  Bringing ourselves into the Relaxation response as many times a day as you need to will enhance your wellness and make you feel happier. 

 

Remember we can’t control everything, but we can make ourselves more well in this moment and that will make the next moments even better.  Keep breathing!

 

So it has been 11 days since I stopped reporting to my workplace due to the Coronavirus and I have to admit  I have been feeling pretty relaxed.  I made a vow to myself that every day I would take time from  the things I felt I needed to do to exercise and do things that uplift me.  I have found a routine that is quite useful for me and one that I wanted to share with others.

Do things for yourself that make you feel good and bring you real joy.

For me that has been following a daily practice of some type of exercise (a yoga practice, stationary bicycling or taking a walk) along with yoga nidra meditation, chanting with Deva Premal and Miten and their community (on Facebook live at 4 pm EST) and doing a gong meditation (recorded on Facebook with a local yoga teacher) before bedtime.  This has been helping me to keep my energy and spirits high, along with eating good home cooked meals, and reducing my watching of the news.  I am working on maintaining my positive mental state and controlling the things I have some control over while not letting the things I have no control over get the best of me.  So far it is working and I am not obsessing over the fact that I can’t dictate how long the stay at home order will be or when I will be able to return to work.  I am just doing my part to help to keep our streets clear from people that don’t need to be out, which will hopefully this to pass more quickly and to keep a Positive Mental attitude which ultimately helps to keep my Immune system stronger and keep me healthier.

Find your virtual online community of people who do what you love to do and participate in whatever way you can as it helps to keep you from feeling isolated.  We are beings that love to connect and this home-bound time  is keeping us feeling separate, so do something that uplifts you on a regular basis and make the time to do it every day.  You will be amazed at how such a small thing will make a huge difference in your attitude.  One small step can lead to so much more.  Use your time creatively and positively and feel the difference it makes.  When you are more relaxed, then you bring a more peaceful attitude to your home, your family members, your community and the entire planet.

Find your joy, do it daily.  No excuses, Just do it!

 

So I might be one the craziest people to say that I have been enjoying the stay at home order that we got from our state Governor a week ago.  I am enjoying being with my small family, cooking, having time to exercise, doing yoga and meditating. It has been a dream of mine to be able to get back to how I used to work when I was self employed – more on my own schedule and at a pace that felt more natural and comfortable to me.  

At the end of 2004 and the start of 2005, I moved from my home of Rockville, Maryland ( a suburb of Washington DC)  and moved out to Big Sky, Montana. In my mind, I was moving to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life and start a yoga and fitness business and what I got in reality was a self created break from all things.  I did a little work and a little bit of volunteering with an organization that helped individuals of all ages with disabilities learn how to get out and participate in Snow sports. My schedule and life were so much more relaxed as I jumped off of the hamster wheel and was just living.  My days were spent doing what I wanted to do in pretty much whatever time frame I chose. I didn’t realize how much I needed to just relax and just be. I had made a small group of friends that I met through various activities I participated in and spent quality time with my dog and cat. It sounds pretty dull as I write this but was some of the most amazing times I can recall.  This past week reminds me of that time, in a sense, I am waking when I want, I have no set agenda and I am choosing to make time for some of the activities I love along with preparing nourishing home cooked meals each day. Dan and I have time together and time apart in the house to do our own activities which fit our individual personalities.  

Yes there is the stress of the unknown and the worry of finances for the long term, but I am realizing like all things in life, there is balance.  I am choosing to accept the things I have no control over and letting my faith in God and the divine plan just work itself out. I realize that whether or not I am happy or not happy, the circumstances will remain the same.  So I am choosing to make lemonade from the lemons that we have, or in our house chocolate banana bread from the old bananas we had in the kitchen.

The past few weeks have been challenging while preparing for the eventual lockdown in our state of Maryland.  As of Monday March 23rd, as a collective, we went into a lockdown of non essential personnel to stay home and try to reduce the number of people who would get sick from this Pandemic. My profession of Physical therapy  is considered essential, however, I decided to not go to work.   This  time has been an interesting opportunity for self reflection, as I made the choice not to go out and be in harms way or to be part of the problem of spreading potential germs and possibly being a carrier and getting infected.  Initially as things were ramping up, there was a lot of busyness to get the nest ready to stay home for an undefined period of time, and now as we are supposedly in it, we are just doing things to keep ourselves occupied.  My first several days have been  spent to just find ways to meditate and to be in community with like minded souls in my Sangha ( spiritual community) in my local area, friends who I know in the country and others who I don’t know.  there has been a great source of comfort for me in meditating with others and try to stay relaxed.

It feels weird to be on a cycle of no real routine, except to do the things I feel need to get done and realize that is so arbitrary.  My cycle revolves around mealtime, meditation and doing some work that feels productive.  Even when I had a time in my life that I was not working a regular job, I had routines and I didn’t feel so much like I had to be a ” Human Doing”.  I know  it took time to get to that place and I will again find that rhythm of not needing to be productive at all times.  For now,  I am just following my own rhythms and being in a household with my husband and our 4 cats who also have their own schedules.  It will be an interesting time to see how I use this opportunity for growth and to maximize my free time to study, work on my blogging, and to just get back to being a Human Being.