I am sharing a personal story today to help illuminate a universal experience and the importance of the practice of Self Study. During a meditation practice today, I got a glimpse of the shadow side of fear that continues to live inside me without my awareness. I believe we all experience fear on some level and choose to avoid facing it. We may not even be aware of our aversion to fear. During the Pandemic, I had been feeling like I was dealing with it as well as could be expected. I had created daily rituals to keep me grounded and connected to my spiritual side in this tremendously unnatural time.
My day had been unusually busy trying to get things accomplished around the house, as I had noticed all the dirt and dust that had been accumulating, so my husband and I set out to tackle it. Things took longer than expected and I was rushing to a virtual Yoga Nidra group with my dear friend and teacher, Renu. We worked hard up until the minute I needed to get settled down.. At the beginning of the session, she asked us to bring up things which have been challenges for us, and I felt like things had been ok for me. Others shared about their frustrations with life and fears of getting sick while being in the workplace. I felt like I had avoided that by choosing to stop working several weeks ago until things settled down here in Maryland. During the meditation, I did notice my mind getting much more active than usual and I started to notice physical aches and pains in my bad ankle and I had a hard time being present. I tried using all the tools I have learned: coming back to my body, feeling the sensations without avoiding them, coming back to what my teacher was saying, and listening with my full attention. I made it through the experience and just chalked it up to my mind being a little more busy than normal because of having rushed to get there. I didn’t get too worked up over it.
I returned to doing some more tasks on the computer and realized I wanted to try another friend’s meditation technique on releasing fear and anxiety before settling into my chanting routine. I turned it on and settled in as I listened to her description of the exercise, we would be getting in touch with the specific fears that we are experiencing due to the Coronavirus. So here is the part that was surprising: if you had asked me if I have any fears over this, intellectually I would have said that” I am taking good care of myself and doing the whole social distancing thing and am fairly safe”. But, I followed her technique and asked myself what I am really fearful of, and waited… So what came to me is that I really am afraid that I or my family could get really sick. She asked us to feel this in our body and I couldn’t identify any real place in my body where I felt this. She was probing and getting us to feel something, but still I felt nothing.
During the practice she said that maybe we are feeling numb to this and it hit me like a ton of bricks that my default coping mechanism as a trauma survivor is numbness. I realized that I actually do have fear but that I have had a black hole of sensation when it comes to fear. Amrit Yoga practices have been good for me, as a trauma survivor, because they focus on feeling the physical sensations in the body during the practice and reducing the mind chatter. I realize now that, as a coping strategy since my trauma, I have compartmentalized bodily sensations, feeling them only when and where I think they are appropriate and safe. I suspect other trauma survivors and most people in general do this as well. This entire lesson came as a total surprise to me. As I reflected back on the entire day, I realized that the lady who expressed her fear of getting sick must have triggered my unconscious coping mechanism, getting my mind involved, which kept me from settling down into the safe space I normally access during Yoga Nidra. I am not sure that if I had not done the second meditation that I would have put these pieces together.
The other technique I worked on with the 2nd teacher was about accessing our shadow side but using very similar techniques of feeling the sensations present in our body during the fearful thoughts and anchoring to the breath at the same time. She beautifully described it as “realizing the shadows in the room aren’t scary when we turn the lights on and realize there really aren’t any monsters in the room”. Facing our greatest fears with consciousness can help us to get over them. It is not a practice to be done one time, but often, as we need to retrain our mind and our body about how to reprogram our nervous system and mind harmoniously.
So my message for the day is: continue the practice of things that make you feel good so you can get through this situation as peacefully as possible, but know that you may also have real fears over what is happening, AND that it is important not to sweep the little monsters under the rug. Shine the light of awareness on those fears and confront them using breath and the feeling sensations in your body. Work with a good meditation teacher who can guide you safely as you tread these uncertain waters, especially if you have trauma in your past, as having the guidance of a skilled professional is critical.